MY VIEW ON RELATIONSHIPS (Part 1) By Big D
These days, it's quite unfortunate that many people don't know what they are doing anymore. As Chinua Achebe of blessed memory said, "things have fallen apart"... A good number of us do things without knowing the implications of what we are Doing. We don't know what is involved or what is required of us.... The consequences of certain decisions we take. We just do things for the fun of it, for its sake or because others are doing it. That's why there is chaos everywhere. We are living in an era of utmost confusion. an era of ignorance of the things that really matter despite our break through in science and technology.
This piece isn't directed to anyone in particular, it's written so that all who stumble upon it can look into my mind and see the subject matter through the lens of my eyes and ask themselves this question, "what the fuck have I been doing all these while?" I've spoken with many people about their love lives, coupled with my experiences in the past, and I've seen that really, many of the heart breaks would have been avoided if only people know what they are truly doing.
When the notion of being in relationship or dating as the case may be comes to mind, the first question we should ask ourselves is, "why should I get involved in this in the first place?" I believe that the root of every relationship problem lies here... the "why".... Most people go into relationships for the wrong reasons, believe me, when you ask around, you'll here crazy things like "all my friends have boyfriends, am I not pretty enough to get one?" or "I've gotta date him, can't you see how cute he is?" or, some niggies would say "I'm gonna ask her out cos her ass gives me joy" or the most annoying but tricky one is when girls say "I'm going into a relationship with this guy because I think he's ready for marriage"... Like... Wharefaq?? Who does that?? I mean, seriously? We go into relationships for these reasons and expect it to last long? Hell no! The key ingredient necessary for any relationship to take place is "love". Yea I know that sounds sissy like n all but believe me, any relationship that lacks love is a friends with benefits affair.
So.... Lemme ask this simple question, answer it in your mind...... What's love? ........... Wait..... Did I just hear "feeling"? I'm sorry, but you've missed it.... This is why your "love" life is as messed up as it is. Love transcends feelings. It goes way beyond that. I'll prefer to refer to it as a disposition.... A movement of the will whereby the lover wills the good for the beloved. This is the basis of every relationship, willing the good of the other...not yourself.... You see, many people have love as an essential part of their relationships, but it's not love for the other... It's self love. You look a guy straight in the eyes and tell him "I love you" meanwhile he doesn't know that in reality, you are referring to your reflection in his eyes... Yep, you are talking to yourself and not the guy. It's really messed up, that's why you hear things like "he's not caring", "he doesn't call", "he doesn't know how to treat a woman right", "he cant take care of my needs" and a whole lot of bullshit that come out from the mouths of people these days, especially females. You ask a girl what has she done for her boyfriend and she'll tell you that she gives him her body. Please, he can get it anywhere, there's nothing so special about yours, maybe expect some extra fat in particular hot spots and all, but the end point is still the same everywhere, Omo, "v na v" no chic has a letter " a" or "q" inbetween her legs, they are all the same. So you see, you need to up your game, make yourself more relevant. Are you the kind of person that thoughts of you turns your spouse on? Or are you the kind that would cause an involuntary and unexpected smile to light up the face of your lover when he or she thinks of you? Or are you the type that brings fear, pain or sadness wherever your spouse remembers that he or she is still in a relationship with you? Which category do you fall under?
Being in a relationship is not all about you... Infact, it has nothing to do with you. Your priority should be that your spouse is happy. Things mustn't always go your way, sometimes, it's good to try things from the other's perspective. Someone once told me that if you focus your attention on her and she focuses her attention on you, you won't really know when you are hurt. It's on your dying bed that you'll realise that at some point 30 years ago, she hurt you in so so so way, then the both of you would end up laughing over it.
Being in love with someone else entails that you be willing to make a lot of sacrifices for the beloved without necessarily expecting any in return. Every relationship requires a sacrifice on the altar of love in which you, the lover, are the victim. If you are not willing to make sacrifices for your boo or bae, don't expect the relationship to last more than 6 happy months, just tell whoever your unfortunate partner is that you guys are signing a contract which involves "you do this, I do that". All though, that one is willing to make sacrifices for his or her beloved doesn't mean that he or she should become a fool for the other. Make sacrifices that won't kill you, you are not Jesus Christ, he was killed for a reason, it's His calling not yours. In as much as you don't sacrifice without expecting any in return, when the fool you are dating takes you for granted by not making sacrifices for you on his or her own part, my dear, you have to withdraw your love for him and love someone else, it's not a charity affair. The truth is, if you are a pious lover, you deserve the best. So if someone decides to treat you less than you are worth, hit the road, break up, find someone else to shower your love upon and see if the person would appreciate it better.
Just to make things clear, by sacrifice, I don't necessarily mean herculean tasks like spending your school fees on your girl or boyfriend (that's the height of stupidity), or, I don't know, donating your kidney to him or her.. You know, really big feats.... Those opportunities might never come. By sacrifice, I mean little things, seeking his or her comfort rather than yours, going a step further so that he or she could be pleased, ensuring the others happiness, not at the expense of yours (nobody is worth your happiness), but at the expense of your comfort; not complaining all the time, even though things might be really messy then, just learn to over look certain things. Also, a very important sacrifice one can always make is this, if your lover is going astray, it's your duty to correct him or her firmly, but with lots of affection. So she barely goes for classes these days, or he's now doing drugs or something like that. Or something more sublime like laziness or exhibition of bad characters or habits. You have to put his or her feelings aside and tell him or her the truth. People avoid these things because it's very uncomfortable to correct others, especially the ones we claim to love or have feelings for. If they ask why, you'll say that you don't want to hurt his feelings. Don't be silly, you don't want to hurt yourself, you don't know how to go about it because it's gonna be an awkward situation, so you just give this flimsy excuse and move on, my dear, it's gonna come back and haunt you in the future. Also learn to say no when you have to, no matter how difficult it is..
I'm gonna stop here for now, before Dr Strange (Obinna) swears for me, but I promise to publish a second part soon. But, for the mean time, internalise what I've said so far and try and make meaning of it... Of course, with your spouse by your side. Shaa bear in mind that it's not a dogma or principle cos really, it's just my opinion on the subject matter, but I feel that it mirrors reality to a great extent because I try to be as objective as possible in my thoughts.
Written by Ezike Dumbiri (Big D)
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